I find that things that make me uncomfortable are best addressed by talking about them. Once you force yourself to describe your feelings, you see them for what they are, and usually it helps you wrangle them. So let’s dig into some of mine.

I’ve been attempting to write and record more (publicly) to:

  • log where my mind is at
  • remember what I’ve accomplished
  • shared what I’ve learned
  • add one more layer of accountability

Anyone who does a little digging (on Medium/YouTube) will see my posts and videos have been few and far between and also all over the place in topic and direction.

Whenever I think about that, I feel embarrassed. I feel foolish. I worry about the effect it has on the opinions others have of me.

But what’s so wrong with changing my mind? What’s wrong with not knowing everything, with learning and growing and wanting new and different things?

I have to remind myself of this sometimes, but I would much rather have put myself out there and felt like a fool.

I would much rather look like a fool and practice something I suck at than never learn and become better.

I would much rather look like a fool and say how I feel than lose a chance to fall in love.

I would much rather look like a fool and publish/sell things that I make than never open the door to my dreams.

Yes, I could fall on my face. Honestly, I have… multiple times. Some of those moments really hurt. I have some scars that have taken a really freaking long time to heal.

Do I look forwards to having more of those scars? Not really, no. But I have no way of knowing which doors lead to pain and which lead to joy, but I’m not willing to keep them all closed. I will keep opening them until I find the door that leads to where I’m looking to go.

I’m going to keep trying. I’m going to try new things, explore more opportunities, and pivot. I’ll hopefully become more efficient and choose better pursuits based on what I learn each time.

We almost never reach our big goals the very first way we try, so we shouldn’t expect to. Embrace the failures and rest assured that you are getting closer each time, even if only by process of elimination.


I also find that addressing the person whose thoughts I’m concerned about removes the worry. In doing so, I am creating the opportunity to defend myself and take control of my feelings and reactions to them. I’m also, in actuality, defending myself, to myself. The audience or person I’m concerned about is really a projection of myself, so I use that to my advantage and I say what I need to say to myself through that person.

I guess there’s a simple fill-in-the-blank for this that I can reuse. “I am worried about you thinking that I am ___(insert projected feelings here)___ because I ____(insert action)____. But this is normal / I’m still learning / (insert counter-argument or self-defense here).”

I am worried about you, the reader, thinking that I am foolish (which may or may not even be on your mind), because I change my mind and haven’t stuck with writing / recording consistently, but I’m not the first to change my mind or be inconsistent. I am still learning. And why does writing need to be consistent? Who is defining my goals here? What is it that I’m hoping to achieve? I need to stop holding myself to these external expectations and think about what I want out of this and then if consistency is a necessity.

So let’s see… I’m writing publicly because… why not make my writing public? I want to write down my thoughts, so why not make it accessible?

I want to build a collection of writings that demonstrates who I am as a person: my knowledge, character, and opinions.

I want to possibly help other people who might be at the same place as me needing to realize the same things I am realizing and thinking to myself.

And if I make some money along the way… that wouldn’t hurt.

None of those actually require consistency. No matter how little or infrequently I write, I am making progress on both of the two reasons that actually matter.

So f*ck it. I’ll write when I have something worth saying.

Keep it sunny,

Kassafrass

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